


Breaking The Habit

by AmiAttemptsToWrite



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash deserves all the love in the world and this is the hill ill die on, Eiji is a teasing little prick, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, I love those boys, Idiots in Love, Kissing, M/M, Pining, Pining Ash Lynx, they will be happy if i have a say in it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-11-17 22:06:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18107414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmiAttemptsToWrite/pseuds/AmiAttemptsToWrite
Summary: Ash had no idea where he was.He felt a dull pain in his side. His entire body was aching, but his mind couldn't register what was going on. It was dark everywhere he looked - was he asleep? Or about to wake? Or was the place he was in just pitch black on its own?He thought he could hear a faint beeping noise - but it was echoing somewhere in the distance.Or, my take on the Banana Fish ending that follows Ash on the journey of accepting love.





	1. To Miss

**Author's Note:**

> Hi sad banana fandom! This is the first thing that I've written since I was 12 (I'm 21 now, holy shit). The first chapter was beta-read by the lovely [ clembitine](http://clembitine.tumblr.com).
> 
> Buckle up, because the first couple of chapters are... pain.
> 
> P.S. if you wanna cry with me about banana fish (or anything else), come say hi on my [tumblr](http://pixiepurple.tumblr.com)!

Ash had no idea where he was.

He felt a dull pain in his side. His entire body was aching, but his mind couldn't register what was going on. It was dark everywhere he looked - was he asleep? Or about to wake? Or was the place he was in just pitch black on its own?

He thought he could hear a faint beeping noise - but it was echoing somewhere in the distance. 

Then, a voice.

He couldn't understand what it was saying - it didn't belong to someone he knew. The owner of the voice seemed to move closer to him.

He felt something cold spread through his limbs, as if someone dumped a bucket full of ice on him. He shivered, and then - he could suddenly hear a little more clearly. 

The voice he heard moments before was gone now. He was alone, it seemed.

There was a beeping noise near him, all right - it was being emitted by a heart monitor, Ash realized. He tried flipping over to his side and the bed he was lying on creaked in protest. 

Pain suddenly erupted in his side.

He yelped and gave up the idea of moving. He was in pain - but he was starting to regain his senses at least.

His eyes slowly fluttered open. The bright fluorescent lights stung his irises and made him squint. He registered the smell of antiseptics, the white walls, the liquid that was slowly dripping into the catheter attached to his wrist.

He was in a hospital.

He placed a hand on where the reason for his hospitalization was - a little to the right of his bellybutton - and remembered why he was there in the first place.

 _'Lao,'_ he thought. _'He stabbed me.'_

There was a dull pounding in his head - maybe it wasn't the time to think about everything that happened prior to this.

He looked over to a small bedside table - there was a note and a small device on it. He reached out his arms and grabbed both items, careful not to open his wound.

He recognized the handwriting immediately.

_Ash, when you wake up:_

_1) press number 3 on the buzzer if you need anything - a nurse will come_

_2) give your old man a call_

_Max_

Ash felt....

He didn't know what he felt. He was glad Max left him a note - he was also in pain, and he was tired, he just wanted a break and he was so confused about how he ended up here that it made his head spin.

Reluctantly, he pressed '3' on the buzzer. He didn't really want to deal with nurses or doctors yet - but he felt like he at least needed to let Max know he's woken up, and for that, he needed his phone.

A nurse came in - an older lady in her fifties. Her face was full of wrinkles and her hair had a considerable amount of grays in it. Ash thought she looked like a grandma that fed you with too much food and gave you pocket money. "Oh, hi dear, how are you feeling?" she asked.

"Like crap," he said honestly. He expected scolding for his language, but the nurse just smiled at him.

"We'll it's to be expected," she said and paused. "You've been through a lot, son." Ash read her name off her tag - nurse Amanda Riley. She cleared her throat. "Can I get you anything? Some food maybe?"

Ash was about to refuse, but his stomach growled in protest - he must've been cooped up in here longer than he realized.

"Uh, yeah, food would be great. But, I really need my phone. I need to give someone a call."

Amanda smiled at him. "Sure." She walked over to the closet beside Ash's bed and fished out his phone from the pocket of his coat that was neatly hung inside.

She handed him his phone and told him she'd be back with his food in a minute, then left.

Ash dialed Max's number. He picked up immediately.

 _"Ash! Kid! You're okay!"_ He heard Max exclaim, his voice shaky. _"You'll scare your dad to death one day!"_

Ash didn't know what to say. He heard Max sigh heavily.

 _"I'll come over tomorrow, during visits, to see how you're doing."_ Ash couldn't see his face, but judging by Max's tone he wasn't just relieved to know Ash was okay. He sounded worried and hurt. _"You rest up some more, okay?"_

"You won't see me breaking out of a hospital anytime soon, old man," teased Ash.

 _"Sure, now you'll lie in bed all day, like us old people,"_ replied Max. _"See you tomorrow, kid."_

"See ya, Max," Ash said and hung up.

The pounding in his head was back - he just wanted to plop back to bed and sleep the pain away. It didn't help that everything was coming back to him - how Lao stabbed him, how Ash shot him in return, how Sing gave him Eiji's let-

 _'Eiji's letter!'_ thought Ash, sudden panic overtaking him. He had it with him when he was stabbed, he took it with him to the library, but he didn't have it now. _'Where is it?'_

He grabbed the bedsheet in his fists and carelessly tossed it away. He carefully slipped off the bed, gripping the IV unit for support, pain exploding in his stab wound. He used his other hand to grip it tightly, so it wouldn't open up.

He took one painful, hurried step after the other towards the closet where his clothes were. Maybe whoever found him in the library thought the letter was something important to him. He hoped that person was sensible enough to put it in his clothes somewhere.

He flinged the closet door open and started frantically rummaging through it. He checked his coat and the pockets of his jeans.

_Nothing._

" _What_ are you doing!?" said a shocked voice. Amanda.

Ash didn't even hear her come in.

She stood at the door, a food tray in her hands and a shocked expression on her face. She hurriedly put the tray away on a bedside table and walked over to Ash's side.

"The letter," Ash said, his tone frantic.

"Dear, please let me help -"

"Where's the letter Amanda, please I need it, I need to know where his letter is, ple-" he pleaded, a dizzyness suddenly overtaking him. He felt so weak - his own legs betrayed him and if it weren't for his grip on the IV unit and Amanda's arms wrapping around him just in time - he would've collapsed on the hard hospital floor.

"Easy dear, let me help you get back on the bed," she said and gently led him towards it, letting Ash use her shoulders for support. She helped him sit down first, then took his legs by the ankles and lifted both of them on the bed for him.

"My letter -" wheezed Ash, fighting back tears. His mind was cloudy again - he couldn't think, or feel anything anymore. All he knew was that Eiji wrote him a letter - a beautiful letter - and Ash didn't have it with him.

Eiji.

He wanted something of Eiji's. He _needed_ something of Eiji's. Anything. 

"Shh, it's okay," said Amanda, trying to comfort him. "You're hurt. You should worry a little more about yourself than about a letter."

"Letter, Eiji, Eiji wrote me a letter -" Ash said, half asleep already. He was muttering, he was losing himself again. 

He fell asleep.


	2. To Grieve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, hello, more angst is on the way :'( poor Ash, he's suffering at my hands after everything Yoshida threw at him.
> 
> On a brighter note, can we get a ♡ for Max trying to be a good dad?
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented and left a kudo on chapter 1! I really, really appreciate that and I hope to see more feedback from you guys!

It took Ash 20 minutes and five groans to wake up completely. His stitches were itchy, his back was stiff from lying in bed for so long and his eyes stung from the brightness of the hospital room he was in.

He stretched his arms over his shoulders and let out a yawn. His sleepy brain registered Max sitting by his bed, waiting for him to fully wake up. Ash vaguely remembered calling Max yesterday and him telling Ash he'd come to visit.

Max smirked.

"Good thing you woke up early, I mean, it's only noon," he teased.

Ash stuck his tongue out at him instead of responding. Max chuckled.

"It's good to have you back, Ash," he said fondly, then cleared his throat. "Listen -" he started and reached for an inside pocket of his jacket. "I called the hospital yesterday to check up on you after we talked. They told me you were sleeping and murmuring something about a letter." He took out a somewhat dirty but neatly folded piece of paper from his pocket. 

Ash recognized it immediately.

It was bloodied, torn on the edges and very crumbled - but it was unmistakably Eiji's.

"I think I found it." 

He oustretched his hand slowly, only for Ash to snatch it from him inhumanly fast and clutch it tight to his chest. He felt tears prickling at his eyes, threatening to spill, so he kept them shut.

_'Eiji,'_ he thought. _'Eiji, it's here, I have it, I have it...'_

He felt a hand on his shoulder. He didn't dare open his eyes or say a word - he didn't trust his voice.

He had Eiji's letter.

He couldn't have Eiji.

But he had something Eiji made for him.

Eiji let all his feelings loose in the letter he wrote to Ash - Ash could swear he _felt_ them, he could envision Eiji telling him all that in person, all sparkly eyes and wide smiles, fluffy baby hair and a gentle, caring voice.

Ash couldn't have Eiji, he knew that. That was selfish and what Ash had done was for the good of both of them. He wanted Eiji to go back to Japan and forget about him, so he could finally be safe. 

Ash couldn't have known he'd miss him this badly.

_'My soul is always with you,'_ Eiji had written.

Ash felt warmth spread throughout his body - he let Eiji's words bring him back his peace and envelop him with happiness. He didn't even need to read it to know what it said - reading it once was enough for Ash to engrave it to his memory.

He felt so complete just having it with him. Not being able to see Eiji again was suddenly just a little bit more bearable.

He had no idea how much time passed with him being glued to the letter as if it could somehow make him feel Eiji's presence. Max cleared his throat again and Ash opened his eyes to look at him.

"Ash... don't you want to know how I got that letter?"

Ash shifted on the bed. How he got the letter? 

It dawned on Ash that he himself was the last person to hold the letter in his hands. He had no recollection of what happened after he dragged himself to the library.

How _did_ Max get Eiji's letter?

Ash nodded his head, urging Max to speak up.

Max bit his lip. "I found you, Ash," he said in a pained voice. "I found you bleeding in the library."

Ash's eyes widened in shock.

If he was being honest - he didn't plan on surviving. Not in the slightest. And yet... Max was there to make sure he did.

Somehow.

Max had dark circles under his eyes, his brows were furrowed, lips pressed tight. Ash felt a pang of guilt - he knew he was the reason behind that painful and tired expression.

"That little kid, Sing," Max continued, "came running to the airport to tell Eiji you said you couldn't wait to see him again." He made a pause. "And if this was anyone else, I wouldn't have found it weird or hard to believe. But I know you -" he pointed an accusatory finger at Ash, "you tried your damn best to get Eiji to leave and not to come back." Ash opened his mouth to speak up but Max interrupted, "Nuh-uh, I know why you did it, kid. To keep him safe. But I knew something was up - because knowing you, you wouldn't just use some kid as a messenger. You'd tell him that yourself, if you really wanted to."

Ash kept silent. 

"So I knew something was _wrong_. As soon as we escorted Eiji and Shunichi to their plane, I asked Sing where you were and rushed to get to you - the kid followed me." 

Max took a deep breath. "When we came to the Public Library, we saw a boy your age dead - shot to the side. Sing recognized him." 

Ash felt his stomach drop and clench painfully. 

He did it as a last resort - shooting Lao, that is. He didn't want to imagine what Sing looked like when he found his only brother dead - shot by the same guy Sing was trying to get along with.

"Ash," said Max, his voice shaky. "Why - god, why - didn't you call 911? Or at least scream for help?" He said. Max looked at the verge of tears. "After how hard you fought to survive - why, Ash?"

Ash stayed silent. He closed his eyes and dropped his gaze down to where his hands were resting in his lap. He wanted to go back to sleep - he was started to feel drained again.

Why didn't he call for help? 

Ash... didn't know.

He was never afraid of dying. On a rational level, he knew it was what awaited every single living thing. He didn't *want* to die, though. Not prematurely, at least.

So why then?

He gritted his teeth. The answer presented itself as a memory - of a dark-haired boy dressed in a t-shirt with an ugly duck on it and jeans, smiling widely.

_'Eiji...'_ thought Ash.

"It was... to keep him safe," he said finally, his voice cracking. His eyes were still closed and his head started throbbing again. 

"Oh, Ash..." said Max and slowly rose from his chair. He gently enveloped Ash in a hug, letting him rest his head on his chest. A moment passed before either said a word. 

Max broke the silence.

"You didn't need to _die_ to keep him safe, you dumb punk," said Max and squeezed Ash tighter. "What do you _think_ that would do to Eiji, huh? Did you _think_ he would want you to die? Did you _think_ anyone would be after him in Japan? For God's sake Ash - " he took Ash by the shoulders and made him look at him dead in the eyes, "did you _think_ at all?"

It took a moment for Max's words to register in Ash's head.

He wanted to say something snarky - but he couldn't find his voice. He missed Eiji and wanted to be by his side more than anything - but he knew he _couldn't_. For Eiji's sake he had to keep his distance, and if that meant dying or never seeing him again, well.

Ash would comply.

Sobs ripped through his body. He buried his face in Max's shirt and cried. Max just pulled him in closer, not saying anything.

"Y-you d-don'd get i-it," he sobbed, his voice muffled in Max's shirt. "I-I ju-just wanted h-him to be safe, Max."

"Shh, calm down, shh," said Max soothingly. He rubbed his back gently, trying to calm him down. "Don't overexert yourself, okay?" 

Max held him until Ash's sobs became almost inaudible sniffles, ruffling his hair and rubbing circles on his back. When Ash stopped crying completely, he pulled back a bit, signalling he wanted to be let go. Max broke the embrace slowly and sank back to his chair.

Ash wiped his wet cheeks with the sleeve of his hospital pajamas.

"Ash -"

"Don't, Max."

"Don't what?" Max raised an eyebrow. "You don't even know what I was about to say."

"You were gonna make me talk about Eiji," Ash said, his voice raspy. "I can't talk about him, Max - I can't."

"Okay." Max said slowly. "How about you listen then? How about your old dad tells you something and you listen?"

Ash blinked at him. He nodded his head reluctantly.

"You don't see it yet, kid," he smiled, "but you were as good to Eiji as he was good to you."

Ash let out a humorless snort. "Y-yeah right."

"Shush, I asked you to listen," scolded Max. "I just said you don't see it _yet_." He put a hand on Ash's shoulder. "But you will. Eventually." He squeezed Ash's shoulder. "So listen to your dad - and just go to him, Ash. When you're all healed up, of course."

Ash couldn't keep his hurt feelings at bay anymore - they burst out, like a volcanic eruption, in the form of an awful, sinister laugh, his own voice sounding foreign and _wrong_ in his ears. He laughed histerically at Max's words - him? Go to Eiji? 

Ash found the idea so bizzare and absurd he couldn't _not_ laugh.

"And _then_ what, Max?" he asked, slapping Max's hand away from his shoulder.

"Ash-"

"THEN WHAT, MAX?" 

"Then -", Max said, trying to keep his voice calm, "you go and spend some time with him. See how you like Japan. Maybe get a job, even."

Max wasn't the type to spurt nonsense - and yet here they are.

"So I'll work as a whore for the Japanese mafia instead of the Corsican then?" Ash said darkly. "Or maybe I'll get one of those model guns Eiji told me about and shoot enemies with rubber bullets? Or, I know -" he looked Max dead in the eye, "I could spend my days worrying whether someone will try to take Eiji away from me - and sell my body for cash at night. It's all I'm good for anyway."

Max's face was a mixture of expressions - shock, pity, guilt, not knowing what to do or say. It made Ash's blood boil. He needed to be left alone.

"Get out, Max," Ash snarled at him. 

"Wha-"

"I said -" Max made a move as if to touch Ash's shoulder again and Ash jerked back. "Get. Out." He practically spat the last words out. 

He couldn't deal with Max's crap now. He, of all people, should know better than to suggest something so impossible.

It seemed Max decided not to argue, instead putting on his jacket and rising from his chair. He crossed the small hospital room and paused at the door.

"If you need anything -" he started.

"GET OUT!" Ash roared, wishing he could jump on his feet and kick him out with his own two hands, but he knew better. He grabbed his pillow and threw it with all the strength he could muster in his weakened arms. "OUT!"

The pillow collided with Max's back as he was scurrying out of the room. It fell on the floor with a muffled thump and Ash was alone.

He was breathing heavily, beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He plopped back on the now pillowless bed and buried his face in his hands.

He cried silently, thinking of Eiji and the hole that was left in his heart. He weeped and weeped, hating how much he _wanted_ , for the first time in his life, something that was so far out of reach, his only consolence being the knowledge that Eiji was safe and happy to be back with his family.

_'He's safe. He's safe.'_ chanted Ash in his head.

It should have been enough. It should have.

But it wasn't.


	3. To Plunge Deeper

After spending a week tied to a hospital bed, Ash was back in his apartment. The air was stale, there were dirty dishes in the sink with pieces of moldy food on them.

He hadn't heard from Max - or anyone for that matter. He was ashamed of the tantrum he threw when Max came to visit - Max didn't do anything to deserve that. Ash knew he should call him and apologize, or go to his house and tell him he's sorry in person. He knew he should, but.

He didn't.

He wanted to be alone.

He turned his phone off and shut the blinds on his bedroom window. He sat on his bed and buried his face in his hands.

For the time being, he was alone.

***

Months rolled by and Ash had barely felt any better. His wound had healed pretty well, but he would often find himself feeling empty and blue. There were days he would catch himself looking over to the bed next to his and, for a fleeting moment, would feel panic washing over him before realizing that bed was _supposed_ to be empty. 

It was hard getting used to the apartment being so... quiet.

There was no cheerful humming comming from the kitchen. No clacking of pots, no food sizzling in pans, no smell of Japanese spices. No familiar camera clicks, no photos lying around the entire place, no neatly folded laundry in the washroom.

And no Eiji.

Ash tried to occupy his mind with virtually _anything_ whenever he felt thoughts of Eiji looming over him. He'd go read a book, go to wherever his gang was, practice shooting his gun, go read in the library, hell, he even tried _cooking_.

More often than not, the distractions weren't enough. 

Ash was used to surpressing bitter memories. It was a skill he forced himself to learn in order to survive his childhood. In his world, you couldn't afford to let your mind wander to dark places and swallow you whole. You couldn't ever risk falling so deep you wouldn't be able to get back on your feet. If you wanted to survive - you had to push and keep going, no matter how beaten down you were and no matter how tempting it was to let yourself fall.

Forcing himself to not think about his dark, traumatic past was something he consciously had to do often. When it came to Eiji though, that skill proved useless.

Ah had so many revolting memories he didn't _want_ in his head, and those he could push away, at least while he was awake. 

Then there were memories of Eiji - sweet, innocent and loving Eiji. He _wanted_ to remember them for as long as he lived. For what could be the first time in his life, he had memories he didn't _want_ to forget, but ones he wanted to _remember_.

He knew that was dangerous.

He knew it was dangerous to let himself want.

He knew that.

But sometimes, he let himself remember. He let his walls crumble and he would be engulfed in bittersweet recollections of their time together.

Eiji humming to himself in the kitchen, preparing some Japanese dish Ash had never tried before.

Eiji blushing when he saw Ash in his favorite shirt, and Ash blushing in return when he realized he was, in fact, wearing Eiji's shirt.

Eiji comforting him after a nightmare or after a long day - rubbing his back and letting Ash rest his head on his shoulder, not saying anything, but offering comfort and compassion.

Eiji washing Ash's hair while he was taking a bath, gentle hands combing through blond strands.

Ash trying to pick Eiji up, but only managing to lift him up to his toes, Eiji yelling "My turn!" and picking Ash up by the waist.

Eiji hugging him from behind to surprise him.

Eiji baking him a pumpkin pie as revenge after they argued about something so stupid and insignificant they forgot about it the next day.

_Eiji_.

He would then sigh and rebuild mental walls around his mind, pushing Eiji out of his thoughts. 

_'It's better this way,'_ he tried convincing himself. But it felt like a lie.

It felt wrong to just try and forget about a person he loved and who loved him in return. But at the same time, it felt like the only way to keep living.

Dino was gone. Foxx was gone. He got out. He survived. He should be happy. Or at least relieved.

And yet ge felt infinitely lonely.

***

He hasn't been eating well.

He knew he should try and force some food down, but whenever he tried, he ended up taking three or two bites of a meal and putting his fork back down.

It was leaving a toll on him - he could see his ribs when he looked in the mirror, and, while he was always slightly on the skinny side, his ribcage was never visible beneath his skin.

He nearly fainted once - he got in a fight with some alleyrats who wanted him dead, and, even though Ash managed to get out alive, with only several bruises and a small cut, he almost collapsed on his way to the apartment.

He could tell the guys were worried - they didn't dare say it, afraid of how Ash might react, but Ash could swear he saw Bones and Kong exchange worried glances when they thought he wasn't looking.

Ash knew he should do something about it. 

But he couldn't.

***

He woke up screaming again.

For the fifth night in the row, he woke up screaming.

Hair was sticking to his sweaty forehead, eyes wide in shock, his upper body bolting to a sitting position on the bed. 

He brought his knees close to his chest and let his head drop on them. He hugged his legs, curling into a ball in an attempt to make himself small.

_'Deep breaths, Ash,'_ he mumbled to himself. _'Deep, slow breaths.'_

He inhaled painfully slowly through the nose and exhaled through the mouth.

He thought he could still feel their touches. Their filthy hands as they stripped him of his clothes. The smell of cigarettes coming from their hideous breaths. Their disgusting laughter as they watched him squirm beneath them - a tiny boy trapped under a grown man. The revolting things they did to him.

He felt dirty. 

As tears streamed down his face he wondered if he would ever truly be free.

He didn't think so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always felt like Ash wouldn't really fare well if he had survived in the end. I see him as someone whose trauma runs deep and as someone who, for most of his life, was afraid to love. I think that if he survived, and if he and Eiji stayed away from each other, it would eat him away slowly. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who commented and left kudos 😢😢😢😢 that means the world to me, and makes my day, thank you so much!


	4. To Reconsider

It was several weeks later when Ash truly had a breakdown over his situation. 

He was in Eiji's improvised darkroom - it used to be a small storage room when he had first bought the apartment. Eiji had put all of his equipment for developing photos in there, including pieces of string stretched between two walls, various chemicals and a giant container used for dipping the photographs in the solution.

Whoever packed Eiji's things before he left for Japan packed everything except for the items in this room - probably because they didn't realize the room was there. 

Hanging on the piece of string were several photographs, now dry. Ash couldn't keep it together when he saw what was _on_ the photographs.

There were photos of _him_.

Ash with bed hair.

Ash sitting on a balcony, a sunset behind him, a serene smile on his face.

Ash, huddled under a blanket in a comfy armchair, reading a book.

Ash, his face radiating joy, his eyes closed, his mouth open as he laughed.

And lastly - Ash with Eiji, sitting side by side on the couch, their thighs almost touching, cheeks pressed together, Eiji's arm casually slung over Ash's shoulder, a wide grin on his face. 

Ash's eyes were open and he had no idea his face had the ability to form an expression so peaceful and tender as the one he had in the photo.

 _'This is me?'_ he thought. _'This is really me when I'm with him?'_

He made no effort to stop the flood of tears from spilling out of his eyes. He cried and weeped as he looked at the two of them together, tears blurring his vision by the second.

He took the photo off the piece of string it was hanging on and sank down to the room's floor. Sobs started ripping through his body, causing him to shake.

Photograph Ash looked so loving it made real Ash think he wasn't seeing himself but some other person entirely. He couldn't believe that look in his eyes was really there while they were taking the photograph.

Photograph Ash looked loving. But more importantly -

He looked loved.

And, Ash knew, he _knew_ he was. 

And God, he missed Eiji so much.

He had no idea how long he'd spent crying in there when he finally calmed down. He was half-sitting, half-lying down on the floor of the darkroom, the chemicals making breathing difficult, but he didn't have it in him to move right now.

 _'I've really made a mess of myself, huh?'_ he thought. _'Pathetic.'_

He raised the photograph to his eyes for the milionth time. The corners of his mouth slightly twitched upwards, as if trying to form a genuine smile.

 _'I hope he's happy.'_ Ash thought and hugged the photo to his chest. 

He'd spent several months trying to push Eiji out of his mind, in order to keep his sanity.

Today, though.

Today he didn't have any strength left to keep pushing, even if it was just in his head.

So he let his mind wander - and find those treasured memories he fought so hard to surpress.

He suddenly felt warm inside - he remembered Eiji's smile, and how his eyes seemed bright and glowy all the time. He remembered how fluffy his hair was under his fingers when he kissed him in prison. He remembered how many ridiculous jokes they told each other, and how much junk food they ate late at night while watching some dumb action movie they didn't even know the name of.

Despite everything - despite how guilty he felt for putting Eiji in danger and despite how torn he was because he knew he couldn't just go and see him again - he found himself smiling, really smiling, for the first time in months.

He pressed the photograph to his chest, much like he did with the letter when he was in the hospital - the letter was neatly tucked away in Ash's nightstand drawer now - and he let himself enjoy these cherished feelings, and the warmth they brought him, not caring if they'd bring him crashing down when he was supposed to pick himself up and go about the rest of his day.

He would have stayed in there for eternity if he hadn't heard a sudden click.

And footsteps.

He jumped up to his feet and bolted for the door, letting the photograph fly off his chest and onto the floor, hand reaching his back pocket for his gun. He was sure he'd locked the door - he ran to the front door, gun ready, and stopped dead in his tracks.

"Max?" he said and lowered his gun immediately.

"Hey kid!" said Max cheerfully. "Good to see ya."

"How did you -" Ash paused, racking his brain for an answer. 

_'Oh.'_

"You still have the key to this place."

Max nodded his head and closed the door. Ash swallowed hard.

In the months that had passed from his admission to the hospital, he hadn't called Max to apologize and he felt like a shitty person. Instead of speaking, he pocketed his gun in his jeans and looked down.

"Good lord Ash, you look _terrible_!" Max gasped. "You weren't this skinny last time I saw you."

Max took a step towards him. Ash marvelled at the fact that even though he threw a pillow at him and yelled at him, Max still worried about his well being.

"And those bags under your eyes - Ash, are you-"

"I'm sorry," Ash blurted out. 

"What?"

"I said -" he repeated, "I'm sorry. For yelling at you when you visited me." 

"Kid -"

"I don't understand you."

Max raised an eyebrow at him.

"Max... please leave," Ash said, hands trembling as the adrenaline from before vanished from his body. "I can't talk now," he finished in a small voice, sounding impossibly vulnerable in his ears. He was starting to feel a pounding in his head.

"I think you need to, kiddo," Max said gently. He looked at Ash with kindness in his eyes and a sad smile on his face. "Just try? Tell your old man what's on your mind." Max put both his hands on Ash's shoulders, grounding him.

Ash opened his mouth to speak but only managed to awkwardly clear his throat. His voice was raspy.

"I _can't_ , Max. There's nothing you can do about it anyway," Ash said defeatedly, feeling his shoulders droop.

"Humor me?"

Damn him.

"You're as annoying as they come, _dad_ ," Ash said as he shrugged off Max's hands from his shoulders and walked over to the living room. Max followed him and plopped down next to him on the couch.

"You know, kid -" Max said after Ash kept being stubbornly silent, "there's only one time I've seen you lose your spirit like this. And that was when a professional assassin was after your sorry ass - ow!" Ash slapped the back of his neck with all strength he had left in him. 

"What was that about, I'm trying to help!" 

"Then stop calling me a sorry ass, _dad_." 

Max rubbed his reddening neck. "Gee, for a skinny punk you sure know how to slap, Ash." 

This made Ash smile. The teasing was familiar. Somewhat domestic, even. It made him temporarily forget about... everything. 

"Anyway, what I was trying to say is - the only time I've seen you so down is when someone was trying to harm you and Eiji. And you couldn't figure out who it was," Max paused, looking as if he was expecting Ash to say something, but Ash remained silent.

"And even then -" he countinued, "you didn't look like a twig." Max's face had an expression so sad on it Ash wanted to punch himself in the gut.

"I worry about you, Ash," he said finally. "You're _not_ okay."

Ash knew he should say something. And he knew Max was right. He tilted his head down, eyes focusing on where his hands were resting on his lap.

"I know." he said almost inaudibly. "I'm a mess, Max." Ash knew he hadn't been doing well. But saying it outloud was making it more real, affirming it so that there was no more room for Ash to lie to himself that he was fine. That he wasn't broken and depressed and that he wasn't grieving over letting his loved one slip from his hands.

"Talk to me, Ash. Is it Eiji? Oh hell, of course it's Eiji -" 

"Yeah."

"Tell me?"

Ash sighed. He didn't know if he was ready to crack his heart open and let his emotions spill out of it just yet. It's been nearly a year since Eiji left and during that entire time, Ash hadn't talked to anyone about what was going on in his head.

Before, he had his brother. Later, he had Shorter. And sometime along the line, Eiji came into his life.

Now he had no one. Now Griffin and Shorter were gone where he almost followed if it weren't for Max and Eiji... Eiji was back where he belonged. In his world, with his family, in his country. Another place Ash couldn't follow him to.

Ash took a deep breath, trying to slow down his thoughts. "Okay. I'll try," he said and Max's lips stretched out to form a smile.

"You go, kid."

They spent about an hour talking. Ash talked slowly, each word taking forever to leave his mouth. He talked about how he read Eiji's letter and how he changed his mind last minute and rushed to say goodbye at the airport. He talked about how badly he missed Eiji. He told Max about how he *wanted* to go to Eiji, to see him at least one more time, and about how he couldn't compromise Eiji's safety. He even got up and showed Max his treasured photograph of him and Eiji. 

He felt naked after opening up about everything that's been on his mind for the past months. Nevertheless, getting so much off his chest felt good - he felt a little lighter when he was done. It wasn't exactly a good feeling - but it wasn't painful, at least. It was soothing in a way, having someone listen and care about what he had to say, regardless of whether that person could actually help him or not.

Max was quiet the entire time.

"Kid..."

"Don't tell me I should just _go_ to him, Max," Ash said, rubbing his temples. The ache in his head intensified. He felt as if someone was hammering at his skull inside out.

"I wasn't about to." Ash's eyes widened in surprise. He wasn't?

"Look Ash... you love Eiji. That much is _painfully_ obvious," he said. "And I know that for so long you couldn't even dream about being that close to someone."

Ash nodded his head.

"Ash, Golzine is gone. That filth is gone now. I'm sure you still have enemies on the streets - but the biggest piece of shit is gone." 

"What are you getting at?"

"Kid, being away from Eiji is killing you. He probably feels just as torn on the inside as you are right now. I'm just gonna say it flat out like that - being separated from that boy is sucking your life away. And by the looks of it -", Max gestured to Ash's entire body, "you haven't been doing anything about it." Max put his hands down. "Ash, it's not impossible for you to go to Eiji. Not anymore." 

Ash opened his mouth to object, but Max interrupted. 

"I'm not saying you should go right this instant, Ash. Or stay in Japan forever. I'm saying, you should get your ass up off this couch, tie loose ends you have hanging here in New York, maybe sell this apartment and buy yourself a nice smaller one and _then_ go. Then go see your friend, kid. Eiji will be beyond himself if you do." Max finished with a wide smile on his face.

"Listen to your dad this time, okay? I'll help you, Ash. We'll go about it together, if you want."

Ash was too dumbfounded to speak. 

"I... Max, no."

"Why not?"

"I'm a killer, Max. A killer and a whore."

"Stop that or _I'll_ be the one slapping this time."

"It's _true_ , I don't belong in his world, Max!" Ash said. "I don't belong in yours, either."

"But you _could_ , kiddo," said Max reassuringly. "You could."

Ash wanted to believe him.

"Come 'ere," said Max and spread his arms wide. Ash shuffled a little closer to him and hugged him awkwardly around the waist. In addition to being a talker, Max was apparently a hugger, too.

"Kid, you're the bravest and strongest person I've ever met. And I know this dad-son thing started out as a cover story, but I want you to know that you're as much of a son to me as Michael is." 

Ash felt himself blushing. 

"I want you to be happy, kid," said Max gently and ruffled his hair. "You deserve it. You deserve to be with someone who loves you. And we _can_ make it happen, together."

Ash couldn't find his words. He felt tears about to spill from his eyes _yet again_ and he had no idea when he had become such a crybaby.

"So?" Max continued. "What do you say, Ash? Let your dad help you go see your friend?"

Ash swallowed hard. He closed his eyes and buried his head more firmly in Max's chest.

Eiji's face materialized in his mind and he felt the familiar warmth wash over him. He imagined Eiji smiling and hugging him. He imagined natto for breakfast and tickle fights before bed. He imagined the teasing and shenanigans they could pull together. He imagined late night talks and sharing a room, like they used to. 

He felt himself smile, his face dusted pink. Max didn't say anything, letting Ash have a moment to himself.

Ash never really thought he deserved love. But somehow, his cover story dad managed to convince him otherwise.

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a kind of a turning point for the story. In case it wasn't apparent, I'm a sucker for dad Max and I think if anyone was ever to convince Ash to change his mind, it would be Max.
> 
> Overall, this chapter is where Ash starts seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, and as the story progresses, there will be less and less angst in it.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading!


	5. To Surprise

_'This damn elevator is too damn far in this fucking building,'_ Ash thought as he dragged his feet over the polished floor. Legs feeling like lead, he made one sluggish step after the other. 

"Why did I buy an 8 million dollar appartment if I have to _walk_ all this way?" he muttered under his breath as he reached the elevator and called it. He huffed in exasperation when he checked the small monitor and saw that the elevator was on the very top floor.

 _'Can something give me a break today?'_ Ash sighed. It really had been a long day. 

It was mid July and unbearably hot, even for the East Coast. His shirt was sticking to his back and the air felt thick.

That wasn't why he was exhausted, though.

He had spent almost a month running all sorts of errands so he could finally leave New York for good. 

The first thing Ash did was step down as a gang leader, which came as a surprise to all of his guys. He declared Alex the new leader and said his goodbye. 

Then he proceeded to clean up the mess Dino left. He was in the middle of adopting Ash and before he died he had been waiting for the paperwork to be done. Since Dino was 6 feet under now, the papers were pointless but Ash still had to wait until they were officially declared invalid so he could get himself a new identity.

He spent a small fortune on forging his documents - a new ID card, a passport, a birth certificate et cetera. 

He met up with Max and together they talked to a real estate agent about selling their fancy apartment. They signed a contract which stated that the two of them had two weeks to move out. That wasn't a problem considering Max didn't actually live there and all Ash owned was an ungodly amount of hoodies, ripped jeans and other clothing items. None of the furniture was his, thankfully, it came with the condo when they bought it, so there wasn't much to pack.

After all that, Ash was still left with enough dirty money he stole from Dino to purchase a ticket to Japan and file for a visa. And pocket money for a hotel in Izumo and other expenses.

Then there was his inner turmoil - he wrestled with his own mind, day after day, convincing himself he wasn't selfish for going out of his way to see Eiji. He carried that photo of the two of them everywhere he went - and whenever he felt he was having second thoughts about going to Japan, he'd look at it and feel his mind turn to mush.

Today he met up with Max's colleagues from his new job - a journalist and an editor - who wanted Ash to look over some texts they put together to shed light on Club Cod and similar sex trafficking clubs. A documentary was about to hit production, and they needed someone to go over the materials and make sure everything is correct and in place. They wanted opinions and critiques of someone who was familiar with what happened.

Ash volounteered, to Max's dismay.

Max made it clear he didn't want Ash to remember those dark times. He repeatedly told him he didn't have to, that his colleagues put a lot of effort into the texts, that they based them off police cases and other news articles that Max and Jessica themselves wrote, so he was sure everything was perfectly in order and nothing was fabricated.

Ash decided to do it anyway. He wanted the world to know the truth, even the tiniest, smallest detail that mainstream media likely didn't know about.

Reading about and dicussing what happened to him and other boys his age with complete strangers made him taste bile in his mouth. Max's colleagues assured him all identities would be made up, to protect the privacy of the victims. Ash vaguely remembered saying he needs some air, feeling sick to his stomach.

He remembered feeling arms wrapping around him and him flinching instinctively - until he realized those arms belonged to Max.

He helped Ash up and led him to a bathroom so Ash could freshen up.

Ash hated the pitying look Max had in his eyes - but he couldn't find the words to tell him off. He knew Max looked like that because Max _cared_. 

So he settled for "Got a tissue, _dad_?"

_Ding_

The sound of the elevator arriving pulled Ash out of his thoughts. The doors slid open and, instead of entering, Ash stopped abruptly. 

"What the - " he furrowed his brows as he crouched to examine the elevator floor. It was full of... confetti? And spilled glitter? A sparkler, too? What in the world?

With a puzzled look on his face, Ash pressed the button for the 30th floor and thought about who in this fancy and ridiculously expensive building might be having a party that, instead of involving businessmen and women sipping champagne and making smalltalk while slow instrumental music plays in the background, involved... all this mess.

He decided it was likely one of the residents' kids having a birthday party, and they probably dropped some of the props while they were getting them into their apartment. _'Whatever,'_ he thought and sighed. 

Ash let thoughts about confetti slip from his mind, forgotten. He just couldn't wait to sprawl on his bed and doze the exhaustion off. The meeting with Max's colleagues was more draining than he realized.

_Ding_

A lot of things happened at once when the elevator doors slid open.

"SURPRISE BOSS!" yelled his boys, blowing whistles, booze in hands, loud music blasting from his apartment - the doors were open, he noticed, balloons floating around the entire floor, _fucking confetti_ everywhere.

"What the hell is this?!" shouted Ash, trying to outroar the music.

"It's your goodbye party!"

_'Sing?'_

Ash spotted him squeezing between Kong and the apartment doorway. "Move dude, I gotta get out!" 

"Sorry lil' boss!" said Kong and clumsily moved to the side, letting Sing pass and approach Ash.

"My what?" Ash asked, a puzzled look on his face. No one's ever thrown him a surprise party before.

"Gee, are you deaf or somethin'? I said this was your goodbye party," teased Sing, crossing his arms behind his head. 

This was a little too much for Ash to process. He was tired, the music was loud, his apartment was a mess, and he was _not_ prepared to deal with any more crap.

"Go inside, you fucking IDIOTS!" roared Ash, putting on the nastiest, scariest face he could muster, making a move as if reaching for his gun, his exhaustion from before suddenly gone. The guys yelped and squirmed and started packing inside the apartment, closing the door shut with a loud thump.

The music was still loud - way too loud to be playing in a building built for _aristocrats_ , but at least Ash could hear himself think now. Which led him to a realization - _Sing_ , of all people was here. _Sing_ , whose brother Ash had shot. _Sing_ to whom he still hadn't told the truth about Shorter's death. _Sing_ , who saved him from Golzine, alongside Cain and Eiji.

Ash swallowed hard and forced his face into an emotionless expression.

"Why are you here, Sing?" he asked, somewhat coldly. 

Sing's cheerful smirk had disappeared. He let his arms drop to the side, and his hands find the pockets of his jeans. "I'm _here_ because last time _someone_ was supposed to go to Eiji, that _someone_ was being a stubborn asshole and didn't _listen_."

Ash tried not to snap at Sing for calling him an asshole. Sing was.... right. Ash knew that.

Sing sighed. "Listen Ash... I heard what Lao did. I heard he stabbed you. And I also heard", Sing swallowed hard, "you shot him in return." 

Ash stayed silent at that.

Sing continued. "At first I hated you. I didn't know the whole story yet. And I wanted to get back at you, somehow," he paused. "But I remembered how you saved me, when it was easier to let me die. And how you never killed someone for the fun of it," he said, clenching his fists into balls. "So I realized that - whatever the reason you killed Lao, whatever the _fuck_ was the reason - you didn't kill him because you felt like it." 

Sing took a deep breath.

"Some time later, I found out you did it only because he stabbed you. I was mad, at _both_ of you." Sing's voice trembled. "Lao for going after you." He raised his head so that he could look Ash dead in the eyes. "And you for killing my _brother_." A single tear trickled down Sing's cheek. It made him look vulnerable.

 _'He's only fourteen,'_ Ash remembered. _'He's just a little kid.'_

Ash wanted to say something, but decided against it. 

Sing's shoulders were starting to shake. "I just wanted the war with you to be over, Ash. I-I didn't want him to go after you, I had no idea he might -"

"Sing." Ash interrupted him. "I'm... sorry," Ash said. "I'm sorry you had to lose your brother - believe me, I know what that's like." 

Sing blinked his tears away and looked at Ash, eyes wide.

"I know you didn't tell him to do it. I don't hold anything against you." Ash remembered what Lao had told him - that he couldn't let Ash hurt Sing. 

"But ho-"

"You're a good kid, Sing. Don't waste your life on the streets." 

_'Don't turn out like me.'_ he thought.

"Just look at where it got me - and Shorter." Sing looked pained at the mention of his late leader. Ash imagined he did, too. He realized he never told Sing about what happened to Shorter - but he didn't want to do that here and now. That wound was still too fresh for him to touch. He was hoping Sing wouldn't ask.

"Make something of yourself, kid. And in the meantime," Ash smiled fondly, "why don't you come in and have a drink with us?"

Sing smiled at Ash, a tiny, almost unnoticable blush finding its way on his cheeks. He chuckled. "I told you I was here to make sure you're going to Eiji for real this time, didn't I? You bet I'm coming in."

_'To Eiji.'_

Ash's heart warmed at that. He _was_ going to Eiji, in just several days. The thought made him all giddy and happy.

He ruffled Sing's hair and walked past him to open the door to his apartment. His apartment was littered with empty beer cans, there was food from Chang Dai _everywhere_ \- he suspected Nadia had something to do with it - banners having _SAY HI TO EIJI!_ and _GOOD LUCK, BOSS_ written on them, balloons floating around, a loud pop song blasting away on the stereo, some of his boys playing darts, others laughing on the couch, and Ash felt his heart warm at the sight.

Not that he would say it - he had a reputation, after all. But this gesture - his guys throwing him a surprise party, even though he wasn't their boss anymore, it made him feel like this group of monkeys who was one milisecond away from destroying his apartment was a group of friends.

Ash felt another smile tug at his lips.

"Yo, toss me a beer!" He yelled at the top of his lungs from where he stood at the door, Sing behind him. "And some pepsi for the squirt!"

Sing slapped his back at that, and all his guys burst laughing. Ash laughed too - for the first time in forever, he felt completely at peace.

 _'I won't be long, Eiji,'_ he thought happily. _'I promise.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought Ash's gang was just a big group of kids who ended up in a gang due to various circumstances. I like to think that, despite how afraid they all were of Ash, they still thought of him as a friend, not just a leader. I want to think that they all cared for each other (remember how Bones ran to hug Alex when he got back) despite their rough life and appearances.


	6. To Fly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I come with yet another update 💘❤
> 
> In case some of you didn't see it on tumblr - I just want to say that I truly appreciate all your lovely comments, kudos and hits. It baffles me that, at this point, over 1000 people clicked on this and said "okay, let's give this thing a shot". I don't have the words to describe how happy you guys make me 😢😢😢😢😢 
> 
> I wanna cry, this really means the world to me, you guys reading, commenting and leaving kudos, I just love the banana fandom with all my heart ❤❤❤❤

"You okay, kiddo?" Max asked.

They were at the NY airport. Ash was gripping his suitcase so hard his knuckles turned completely white. He felt restless and on the edge. He didn't get any sleep the night before.

His mind wasn't giving him a chance to rest - it kept going through all possible scenarios of what could happen, from his plane crashing to Eiji being furious wih him. No matter how hard he tried to distract himself, it seemed all he could think about was pure pesimism.

"Hey, what's the matter?" pressed Max. "You nervous?"

"Kinda."

Max blinked at him.

Then burst into laughter.

"Fuck you," said Ash without real bite in his words.

Max continued teasing him, not paying attention to Ash's cussing. "Ash Lynx, the leader of a New York street gang, who took down a mafia don - is too nervous to go see his boyfri-"

"Fuck. You. Old man." Ash gave him the middle finger, feeling blood rush to his cheeks. He was pretty sure Max was about to call Eiji his  _boyfriend_  which Ash found.... embarrassing.

Max chuckled and smiled at him. "You know Eiji will be happy to see you, kid." He put his giant hand on Ash's shoulder and gave him a reassuring squeeze. Ash tried convincing himself Eiji would, in fact, be happy to see him. But now that he was about to take a leap of faith and board a plane that would take him to the other side of the world, he was having second thoughts.

"What if -" he swallowed hard, "what if he isn't? What if he doesn't want to see me at all?" He managed to get out, his head drooping. He didn't want to meet Max's eyes. "What if - what if he hates me?" He said almost soundlessly, still looking down at the polished floor of the airport. He hated how small he felt, how he couldn't keep it together for what was supposed to be a happy reunion with his...

 _Friend?_  No, that didn't feel exactly right.  _Best friend?_ Close, but that wasn't it either.  _Love of his life?_ He shook his head in embarassment, as if that would make the thought go away.

 _'I'm not that cheesy, God damnit.'_  He couldn't find the right word to describe how much Eiji meant to him.

"Kid," said Max, pulling Ash out of his reverie, "for someone with an IQ of 180, you're an idiot when it comes to feelings."

Ash felt his face form a pout against his will. Max ruffled his hair affectionately.

"Ash -" Max started. "You know how much Eiji cares about you. If you don't, then you're dumber than I thought -" Ash kicked his shin with his foot, causing Max to double over. "Ah-ow, I'm trying to help you, you little punk!" he said rubbing his leg. That was probably gonna leave a bruise.

"Funny way of  _helping_ , dad," Ash said, frowning and crossing his arms over his chest.

Max straightened his spine and fixed his tie. "Listen, you made it this far, Ash. You're two flights away from seeing him again. There's nothing  _more_  standing between the two of you." Max looked at Ash softly. Ash wanted to punch him.

 _'Only Eiji is allowed to look at me softly,'_  he thought.

 _'Wait, what?'_  he felt his cheeks heat up and his gaze instictively drop to the floor. It was official - Ash's mind could no longer function. And it was all because of Eiji. He took a deep breath.

"You're right, Max."

"What was that?"

"I said your tie is ugly."

"Suuuure," Max teased. "Hey, chin up, Ash," he said. "And say hi to Eiji for me when you see him." He offered Ash a hand. "Good luck, kid."

Ash took his hand and squeezed. The goodbye was a little awkward, as Ash wasn't sure what he was supposed to say or do. He'd never had someone to leave behind before.

They let their hands drop to their sides and Max turned around. He crossed the short distance towards the exit, Ash's eyes following him.

"Dad!" he yelled suddenly, causing Max to turn around in surprise. "Good luck!" He waved Max goodbye and saw him smiling in the distance.

He stood in line to hand his ticket and passport to the airport employee, his fingers fidgeting nervously.

 _'I'm really going to see him, huh?'_  he thought and felt a smile tug at his lips.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

 _"Please put on your seatbelt. We are about to take off,"_ echoed the voice of the flight attendant.

Ash was seated next to a window. He still couldn't believe he was actually doing this. He reached to the pocket of the coat he was wearing and took out a photograph.

It made him smile.

Eiji looked happy, truly happy, he noticed. How did the not notice that before? His smile wasn't forced, his eyes were bright and his body was relaxed next to Ash's. Ash remembered telling Eiji a downright stupid joke  - it made Eiji laugh and it was caught on camera.

He traced Eiji's face with his finger. His lips stretched into a wide smile, his gaze softening.

He allowed himself to think that maybe, just maybe, he could give Eiji what Eiji gave him. Maybe Ash could make Eiji feel as loved as Eiji made him feel. No, not maybe, Ash corrected himself.

He'll give his damn best to see it happen.

He pocketed the photo carefully and closed his eyes. It was going to be a long flight.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

After 8 hours on a plane, Ash had arrived to the Tokyo airport.

His next flight was scheduled in 5 hours and Ash was tempted to sprawl on the floor and fall asleep right there and then. He had just changed timezones so he was totally disoriented, plus,  _everything_ around him was written in Japanese kanji, which made Ash's tired brain spin. He had no idea what any of those words meant or how to pronounce them. He could swear he saw letters jumping around his field of vision.

He tried blinking sleep away from his eyes, but that did nothing to wake him up. Looking around, he noticed a small bar on the other side. The Tokyo airport was  _huge_ , and Ash could only cuss under his breath as he crossed the enormous distance with his tired legs, dragging his luggage behind him. He was hoping they had strong coffee.

He was about to take the menu and see what they offered when hearing his name made him turn around.

"Ash?"

It took Ash a moment to realize who was standing in front of him.

"Ibe-san? Hi," he said and extended his hand in a greeting.

Ibe took it and smiled back.

"I was not expecting to see you here, Ash," he said. He looked like he wanted to add something, but apparently decided against it.

"Same goes for you. Here on business?" asked Ash.

_Wait a minute._

"Is Eiji with you, Ibe-san?" asked Ash, eyes wide. He didn't think about the possibility of Eiji and Ibe travelling on photography-related trips, which, now that he thought about it, was downright  _stupid_  of him. That's why Ibe and Eiji came to America in the first place, and Ash didn't even spare it a thought.

"Oh no, he is home with his family." Ibe sighed. "Do you want to order something?"

"Yeah, I want the strongest coffee they've got."

"Okay. Go sit down. I will order," Ash complied and found two empty seats on a bench right in front of the bar. He almost fell in his chair, exhausted.

Ibe came back after a minute, carrying two cups. He handed Ash a coffee and sat down next to him.

Ash was curious to hear about Eiji. He didn't want to call him until he landed in Izumo because he wanted to surprise him, but now that Ibe was here, maybe he could fill him in on what Eiji has been up to.

Ibe seemed reluctant to talk, though.

"Ibe-san?" he started. "I'm going to Eiji."

It felt so good to say that outloud. Ash felt his lips form a smile.

"I think it is going to be good for Eiji," said Ibe in a strained voice. Ash could sense something was off.

"You're not telling me something," said Ash, furrowing his brow. "Ibe-san, tell me! Please, tell me if there's something wrong!" Ash raised his voice and got disapproving looks from the crowd.

"No, no, nothing like that," said Ibe, shaking his head. "But he is very sad. He did not want to go with me to a gallery promotion this week. He always want to be alone."

Ash felt guilty. He suspected he was the reason behind Eiji being sad and closed off. He never, ever intended that to happen. The thought of hurting Eiji hurt Ash more than any other pain he had endured.

Ash was starting to think he should turn back and go home, fearing Eiji will be angry with him if he shows up. He figured Eiji's family probably gave him a hard time for staying so long in America. And...

Well.

He got shot twice. And kidnapped about four times. And that was Ash's fault.

 _'No,'_  he told himself, pushing those thoughts away.  _'It's in the past. I won't blame myself anymore. Eiji would never want me to.'_  He shook his head, wrestling with his mind again. He wasn't going to blame himself. He wasn't, he wasn't. He was past that.

Eiji loves him.

And Eiji  _will_  be happy to see him, Ash reasoned with himself.

It became easier, over time. It was challenging in the beginning, but gradually and very slowly, Ash managed to turn the way he thinks upside down. He no longer tried to convince himself he should stay away from Eiji. He wanted to be beside him, to help him up, just like Eiji did for him many times. He wanted to be a part of Eiji's world, and of his life.

"But -", Ibe said, bringing Ash back to reality, "I think he will be happy to see you. I think it will be good for him."

Ash smiled. He felt grateful that Ibe thought he was good for Eiji. Despite how tired he was, Ash felt exhilarated. It wouldn't be long until he sees Eiji again. And if all goes well, then it won't be long until he gives Eiji a kiss.

It's not like he had planned it out. He just wanted a small peck, on the cheek or on the lips, if Eiji says it's okay. Nothing more. He just wanted to show him he loved him too.

The mere possibility of kissing Eiji only made Ash want to speed up time so he could be with him sooner. He had realized what he felt for Eiji wasn't as platonic as he thought it was.

He smiled at Ibe. "Thanks, Ibe-san," he said. He stretched his arms over his head, careful not to spill his coffee, groaning at the pain that settled in his lower back. He wasn't used to sitting for so long.

He took a sip of his coffee, praying it would be enough to keep him awake until he boards his second flight.

He sat there with Ibe in comfortable silence, too tired to make small talk.

Ibe took out a book out of his suitcase and started reading. Ash rummaged through his backpack and took out a blanket to cover himself. He did his best to settle in the chair, trying to find a position in which his lower back didn't scream in protest.

The coffee did its job - Ash felt a bit more awake. He closed his eyes slowly and let his mind wander.

It came as no surprise that it found Eiji.

Ash wasn't sure about a lot of things.

But he was sure he loved Eiji with all his heart.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the mighty reunion part 1.
> 
> I hope I delivered one (1) pining bisexual and one (1) sunshine gay the way my people wanted.

Ash had arrived in Japan after two excruciating flights. He was tired to the bone - but the mere thought of being in Eiji's hometown was enough to keep him awake.

Izumo was a relatively quiet city, Ash noticed. It was so different from New York - the streets weren't filthy, people seemed very polite and kept to themselves, there were vending machines on pretty much every corner... It was a welcome change, if he was being honest.

He had booked a hotel room near the airport while he was waiting for his Tokyo-Izumo flight. It was only a 15-minute drive, so instead of trying to figure out how to ask for a cab in Japanese, he walked to the hotel, relying on GPS in his phone to find it.

He had to stop a few people and ask for directions, and he quickly realized that even though a lot of Japanese people had noticable accents in their English, he was actually able to communicate with most pretty easily. He had to slow down his speech a bit and not use a lot of slang and most people understood him.

He didn't have any problems while he was checking in - except maybe that a lot of curious employees kept turning their heads to look at him, probably thinking he wouldn't notice. It felt a little uncomfortable, and Ash's nerves were on edge, but nobody did anything suspicious, which, Ash reminded himself, was to be expected - this weren't the streets of New York, this was a quiet town and a decent hotel. They were probably just curious.

His room was on the first floor. It was simple - there was a neatly made bed, a small bathroom that looked cleaner than Ash's own, a mini balcony, a TV and a nightstand.

Ash kicked his suitcase aside with his foot, too tired to even think about unpacking. He tossed his coat on the bed, fished out a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt from his suitcase and headed straight for the shower.

He wanted to look nice for Eiji.

Right now he looked like a train ran over him. His hair was greasy and all over the place, there were dark circles under his eyes and he was pretty sure he smelled like he crawled out of a dumpster.

He turned on the water and took off his clothes. The bath felt like heaven after such a long travel.

It was hard to accept that he was finally _here_. It still felt so surreal to Ash.

Him, in Japan?

Him, coming all the way here to see a boy he loved?

Ash thought he had never done anything quite as scary and exciting as this. He had more than enough time to sort his feelings out - about Eiji and about himself. And while Ash knew Eiji loved him and considered him his best friend - he had to admit to himself that he didn't have a _clue_  whether those feelings were even remotely romantic. He was hoping they were.

Ash had zero experience when it came to romance. Even the realization that someone loved him had been hard for him to process.

That was in the past, though.

Now he welcomed Eiji's love with open arms.

He was treading in unexplored waters - and if he was being honest, he was _s_ _cared_. He was scared that, if he blurts out something cheesy and bluntly romantic like he was planning on doing, Eiji might freak out and find it too awkward to be as close to him as they used to be back in New York.

Then again, Eiji used to say things like _'If anything happens to you, I'll go crazy'_  and he let Ash steal his shirts, and he cooked for Ash and worried for him and called him his soulmate so.

Ash felt his cheeks flare up at the memories. He buried his face in his hands and groaned. Having a crush was confusing. Is this what other boys his age felt like when they liked someone? And when they were planning their confession? Ash didn't know.

But the blushing was getting old. How was he supposed to keep his reputation as the dangerous gang leader if his cheeks turned tomato red every time Eiji crossed his mind?

Then it dawned on him.

 _'I don't lead a gang any more,'_  he remembered.

Thinking of himself as a hoodlum was second nature to Ash. Even though he stepped down and decided to leave the streets, he obviously had a long road ahead of him.

He hoped Eiji would walk that road with him.

He stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to dry his body. He got dressed and practically threw himself on the bed, feeling refreshed and ready to catch un lost sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Ash had slept for 24 hours.

He was disoriented and didn't really have a concept of what day or time it was when he woke up. He stretched out his arms, his joints making cracking sounds with every movement. It was a good sleep.

He checked the time; it was 9 am on a Saturday. This was about the earliest time Ash had woken up in his life.

His stomach started grumbling and he knew he should go downstairs to grab a bite of food, but he felt butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. There was somethig more urgent than food that he had to do.

He had to call Eiji to tell him he came to see him.

When he had started this whole process of going to Japan, he was torn between wanting to surprise Eiji and call him  _immediately_ , just to hear his voice. In the end, he decided he wouldn't call him until the very last moment - partly because yes, he wanted to surprise him, but partly because he was scared of what hearing Eiji's voice prematurely might do to him.

A lot of time had passed since Eiji left America and Ash had no idea how he would react to this. And since his talk with Ibe, he was more than glad he chose to wait.

He took his phone with shaky hands and started typing in Eiji's number. His index finger hovered over the 'call' button.

He took a deep breath. _'Well, here goes.'_

_Ring_

No answer.

_Ring_

No answer.

_Ring_

_"Moshi-moshi, Okumura Eiji desu,"_  said an all too familiar voice on the other side of the line. It sounded somewhat annoyed and just a tiny bit curious - he probably didn't recognize the number.

Ash thought his heart might burst.

"Eiji?" He said and Eiji fell silent.

 _"ASH!"_  he screamed. Ash had to pry his phone away from his ear. _"Ash, it's you! I can't believe it, Ash..."_  Eiji's voice trailed off and Ash heard a sniff. His English was better, Ash noticed.

He chuckled a little at Eiji's excitement.

"Yeah, it's me, Eiji. I wanted to call you before today but I decided to surprise you."

_"Surprise me?"_

"Yeah, uh, don't faint or something, but I'm in Gizmo _right now_."

He thought he could hear a tiny sob.

 _"W-what? You're here?"_ said Eiji. Yup, he was tearing up. _"And it's Ee-zoo-mo, not Gizmo! Ash, how did you-"_

"I'll tell you when I see you, 'kay? I'll tell you everything, I promise."

Eiji let out another sniffle. He stayed silent for a moment and Ash was just about to break the silence when Eiji decided to speak again.

 _"I'm so, so happy you called me, Ash. Thank you."_ Ash smiled from ear to ear. He felt himself blushing.

"It's okay, Eiji," he said softly. "So... do you want to come see me? We could go for coffee somewhere if you want."

 _"Of course I want to see you!"_  Eiji exclaimed. _"Where are you, anyway?"_

"I'm in the Gizmo Airport Hotel."

 _"Ee-zoo-mo, Ash."_  Eiji chuckled at Ash's terrible pronounciation. _"And that is about a 30 minute bus drive from my house. So,"_  he added,  _"wait for me outside in 30 minutes. I'll see you soon, Ash."_ Ash wanted to melt.

"Okay, Eiji. I'll see you soon. Goo-"

 _"No goodbyes,"_  Eiji said harshly.

Ash should've thought about it better. Last time Ash told Eiji goodbye, Ash had nearly died and Eiji didn't hear from him for the next two years. He nearly let himself die. _'I can't believe how stupid I was,'_ he chided himself. He had to let Eiji know he'll never, ever be as much of a dumbass as he was back then.

That had to wait, though.

"Then how about, 'hurry up, onii-san'?" he said smugly.

He heard Eiji laughing on the other side of the line. It sent goosebumps all over his body. He wanted to hear Eiji's laughter more often.

 _"Aww, sensitive American can't wait for his friend to come see him? You became very soft, Ash,"_  teased Eiji.

 _'You have NO idea,'_  thought Ash.

"Just _come_ , you goof," said Ash. His face was warm, his eyes were sparkling and his lips were stretched out in a smile so wide he thought the skin on his face might break. "I'll be waiting for you," he added shyly.

If it fazed Eiji, he didn't let it show.  _"Okay, Ash. See you in 30 minutes!"_  He said happily.

"See you, Eiji," said Ash. He didn't want to hang uo. He wanted to keep talking to Eiji. T's been so long since he had and he wanted to make up for it  _badly_.

Eiji made no effort to hang up, either.

_"Ash? I will be there soon, I promise."_

"I know, I just... wanted to hear you talk for a little longer," he said truthfully.

He heard Eiji giggle at the other end of the line.

 _"You will. And it will be in person this time,"_ Eiji said soothingly.  _"I will hang up now, okay? I need to get ready so I don't miss the bus."_

"Okay Eiji. See you soon," said Ash. The line died down and Ash felt exhilarated.

He was going to see Eiji soon. He better get ready.

He flinged the lid of his suitcase open and started digging through it. He was _sure_  he had packed a nice shirt and a decent pair of pants - by decent he meant 'not ripped'.

"Score!" he exclaimed happily as he pulled out a pair of jeans - dark denim with interesting stitching on the sides of the legs and pockets.

He kept rummaging through his stuff in hopes of finding a t-shirt that was in a good enough condition for him to wear on his...

Date? Ash was hoping their reunion could be considered a date of some sorts.

Unfortunately though, all the ones he packed were either old or... not fancy enough. Ash sighed. He had no idea _when_ he had started worrying about his appereance this much.

 _'I can't go see Eiji in THIS,'_ he said as he eyed the prehistoric New York Yankees t-shirt he had bought on sale several years ago. It was stiff from washing and the print was fading. The rest of his t-shirts were either in the same condition or worse. Some even had holes in them.

He _really_  needed a wardrobe change.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a white button-up shirt poking out from under the pile of other clothes. How that thing got there was beyond Ash - he didn't remember buying it - although he had his suspicions. _'Max, that dumbass.'_  Ash made a mental note to thank him.

He checked, and yep, it was brand new, with a price tag attached to it. He snipped it off with a pair of scissors and laid it out on his bed.

He debated wether to go and iron it - it looked as if someone chewed it and spat it out - or to settle for one of his t-shirts. The shirt was nice - it was lightweight, with short sleeves, small buttons and a nice collar. It looked somewhat elegant and, miraculously,  _not_  formal. It looked like something someone would wear for a special occasion.

 _'Fuck it, why not,'_  he decided. He took out a small travel-size folding iron and a large towel.

He had a decent level of skill when it came to ironing clothes - he had more than enough practice over the past few months. Meeting up with real estate agents, journalists and business people meant he had to look presentable.

About 15 minutes later, he was sweating buckets and cussing under his breath. The shirt was neatly ironed now, and Ash thought it looked really nice , but trying to make the wrinkles on it disappear had proven to be a challenge.

He checked the time - Eiji would be there any minute now. He bolted for the shower, deciding to quickly wash his face and gel his hair up a tiny bit.

He did it as quickly as humanly possible - he got dressed, picked up the shirts that were lying around _everywhere_ on the floor, stuffed them in his suitcase and walked over to the bathroom mirror.

He checked himself out. He thought he looked good enough - he was hoping Eiji would think so, too.

He grabbed the bottle of cologne that was standing next to the bathroom sink. He spritzed himself a little bit, once on the right and once on the left side of his neck. He was ready.

He walked out of his room, down a flight of stairs and out of the hotel, nervously checking his watch to see if he was late.

The moment he walked out he saw a bus pulling to a stop on a station a short distance away from his hotel. He felt his heartbeat stop and his eyes look around feverishly for a mop of fluffy black hair.

They locked eyes almost instantly - green meeting brown - and before he knew it, Eiji was sprinting from the bus stop to where Ash was standing.

Ash was too dumbstruck to move - he was _here_ , Eiji was finally _here_.

He spread his arms wide and let his face form the most genuine, happy smile it could, bracing himself for the impact of Eiji's hug.

Fifty feet.

Twenty feet.

Ten feet.

Five feet.

They collided and Ash stumbled backwards, nearly toppling over as Eiji's athletic body slammed into his. Eiji buried his head in the crook of Ash's neck and squeezed him almost painfully around the waist. Ash squeezed back, laughing cheerfully.

"I missed you, I missed you..." Eiji kept chanting and snuggling his head in Ash's neck. Ash thought Eiji looked like a puppy wagging its tiny tail. "This isn't a dream, right Ash? You're _really_ here, right?" he looked up at Ash with those big eyes of his and raised a hand to cup Ash's cheek. Ash felt his breath catch in his throat and butterflies fly around vigorously in his stomach. He wanted to cry from joy.

"I'm _really_ here, Eiji," he said softly. "And I'm not going anywhere this time," he said, placing a hand over Eiji's and melting into Eiji's touch.

He closed his eyes, wanting this moment to last for eternity, the two of them standing there, oblivious to the world, with Eiji's hand cupping his cheek.

Eiji took Ash by surprise when he lifted him up and started spinning him around in circles. Ash was pretty sure Eiji wasn't _this_ strong while they were living together. The thought that Eiji was working out because he was hoping he'd see Ash again made him ridiculously giddy. He had no idea if that was really the case, but he let himself believe it.

"Haha, Eiji! Put me down!" laughed Ash, making no effort to make Eiji _actually_  put him down. Instead, he tightened his grip around Eiji's torso, swearing tohinself he would never let go.

"I can't hear you!" pretended Eiji as he continued to spin him. Ash felt Eiji's soft hair tickle his chin and his laughter echo playfully in Ash's ears.

He put him down eventually, but refused to break the hug. He pullled Ash in closer, keeping Ash's body flush against his. It took Ash every atom of self-conftrol he could summon not to smother Eiji with kisses right there and then. He rested his forehead against Eiji's, revelling in the moment.

Ash was aware people were giving them disapproving looks. He thought maybe they should continue their reunion somewhere a little more private, so he lightly loosened his grip around Eiji's waist and made a small movement as if to push Eiji's chest away.

Eiji took the hint and pulled back a bit. He took a moment to look Ash over. "Oh? Somebody has a date?" Eiji teased and Ash blushed. And, as he concluded earlier, the blushing was getting old. Eiji leaned in closer to Ash and made tiny scrunching movements with his nose, smelling his cologne. Cute. "And cologne? Someone dressed to impress."

"That _someone_  didn't want to come see you while smelling like a dumpster, you ungrateful piece of natto!" He knew he was blushing violently. Eiji was trying to embarass him and, the worst part was, _it was working._

"Wow, that's such an insult, Ash," said Eiji smugly. "Going soft on your onii-san?"

"Why you little - you know what? Let's just go to my room so I can insult you properly. People here are looking at us weird."

Eiji looked around and Ash supposed he understood because he nodded his head. Japanese people seemed to dislike displays of affection in public, and there was quite a bit of affection Ash wanted to shower Eiji with. He didn't want an audience.

"Okay. Lead the way," beamed Eiji. Ash took a moment to notice Eiji's cheeks were just a tiny bit pink, too. He made a mental note to give himself a gold medal for self-restraint later. Fighting against the urge to kiss Eiji's lips and then his hair and then his cheeks and then everything else was a tough call.

He smiled and walked into the hotel reception area side by side with Eiji. He was happy. The happiest he had ever been, his smile never leaving his face, his green eyes sparkling with joy.

He knew Eiji was, too.

Ash finally felt at home.  
  
  
  



	8. To Confess

"Come 'ere Eiji, my room's on the first floor," Ash said, motioning for Eiji to follow him. Eiji trailed close behind, and Ash could see him grinning from ear to ear out of the corner of his eye.

 _'Okay Ash, you're really doing this,'_ Ash kept repeating in his head. _'Fingers crossed you don't freak him out.'_  He was trying to keep his cool but with each step they took towards his room it became increasingly difficult. The blush from before hadn't gone away - in fact, Ash was pretty sure his face would permanently change color to pink.

Perhaps it was because he finally decided to accept his feelings for Eiji, or for some other reason entirely - but being in Eiji's hometown, and being alone with him here felt a lot more intimate than when they were sharing an apartment in New York. It made Ash wonder if Eiji felt that way too.

 _'Probably not, he's EIJI,'_  he decided.

Ash took out his keycard and swiped it through the lock. The doors gave a 'click' and Ash pushed them open, slowly entering the room. Eiji followed him inside, turning around to close the door. Ash then did something he never did before - he hugged Eiji from behind, looping his arms around Eiji's waist, his head burying between Eiji's shoulder blades.

"Huh?" Eiji said, taken aback.

Ash wanted to die from embarassment. It hadn't been a _minute_  and Eiji was already weirded out. Ash refused to look up, thanking God Eiji he hugged Eiji from behind so he wouldn't be able to see his flustered face. He didn't have it in him to move away. He pretended he didn't notice Eiji's reaction, in hopes it will make the awkwardness go away.

When Eiji finally seemed to register what was happening, he twisted in Ash's arms so they were facing each other, brought his arms up and gently wrapped them around Ash's back, returning the hug.

Ash felt his body go lax in Eiji's arms. They fell in a somewhat tense silence, Ash being too afraid he'd embarrass himself even more if he opens his mouth, and Eiji looking like he didn't know how to react.

Up until that point, Eiji was always the one giving hugs, always the one to provide comfort and ease when times were tough, always being mindful and respectful of Ash's boundaries.

Ash realized, with a pang of guilt, that he was always _taking_  from Eiji, even if Eiji didn't seem to mind. He was absorbing what Eiji offered him: kindness, friendship, love. He mentally punched himself for not realizing that sooner and promised himself he'd make it up to him somehow.

"Hmm," said Eiji. "Someone missed me?" he said playfully, rubbing his palms on the planes of Ash's back, trying to ease up the atmosphere.

Ash shifted closer to him, so that they were physically as close as two standing bodies could be. He didn't want to tease back. He wanted to tell him he loved him, God damnit.

He positioned his face so his lips were close to Eiji's ear, resting his forehead against Eiji's hair. "Ei-chan," he whispered, feeling proud of himself when he noticed a pretty pink blush appear on Eiji's cheeks. He had never called him that before.

"Y-yes?" stuttered Eiji.

"I... I did. I missed you. A lot," Ash said softly. Eiji turned around to look at Ash's face, eyes wide.

_Uh-oh._

_'Well, now I've done it,'_ Ash chided himself mentally.

He turned his head away from Eiji's stunned expression and let his arms drop slowly from Eiji's body. "Uh, sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out." He felt cold at the loss of contact.

"No! Stupid!" said Eiji as he pulled Ash back into his arms with all his might, causing Ash to let out an undignified yelp.

He placed his one hand in Ash's golden locks and pressed the other between his shoulder blades. "I missed you too. And I told you that. You're just a terrible listener,"  he said affectionately and nuzzled his cheek in Ash's hair. Ash felt his stomach doing backflips and his heart ready to grow wings and fly off to heaven.

"Stupid? Who are you calling stupid, grandpa?" teased Ash and put his arms around Eiji once more.

"Oh, shut up!"

"Tsk, I come all this way and all I get from you is 'Ash, you're stupid!' and 'Ash, shut up!'? How is that fair, huh?" asked Ash and jabbed a figer at Eiji's side.

Eiji giggled.

_Wait._

"Oooh, ticklish are we?" Ash grinned devilishly, green eyes sparkling with mischief.

"Don't you _dare_  -" Eiji attempted to stop him but it was too late. Ash had launched his attack on Eiji's belly.

"Aha ahahahah, A-ash, ahahaha, stoooop!" Eiji tried to say in between laughing fits caused by Ash's tickling.

"No way gramps, this is revenge!" Ash replied and picked up the pace. He tickled Eiji mercilessly - his fingers moved all over Eiji's abdomen, not giving the poor boy a chance to catch his breath. Eiji doubled over, tears prickling in his eyes. He tried taking steps back but with each one he took, Ash made a step forward so he could continue his torture method.

"Hahahahahaha, no, ahahahah, Aaash, please -" Eiji managed to get out before he sumbled back and fell on the bed, still roaring with laughter. Ash stopped with his tickle attack to make sure Eiji was okay. They both burst into laughter, their voices ringing happily in the small hotel room.

Ash felt incredible - Eiji was here, they were goofing around and enjoying each other's company. He savored the moment, wishing it never goes away. He loved it when Eiji laughed - he wanted to hear him do it more often.

He sat on the bed close to Eiji, and Eiji lifted himself up from where he was sprawled on his back. Ash felt his smile gradually disappear as he mentally prepared himself for Eiji's reaction. Deep down he knew there was nothing to be scared of -  but his mind kept trying to tell him otherwise.

Eiji noticed. Eiji always noticed.

"Ash? Is everything  o-?"

"Everything's fine Eiji," Ash interrupted. "I just... wanted to talk to you about something. It's kind of a big deal," Ash said, not looking Eiji in the eyes. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, feeling a lump form in his throat. Was this really how people felt just before they confessed their undying love for the sunshine in their life? Ash had no idea.

"Okay," Eiji said, shuffling closer to Ash on the bed. "What is it?"

"I.... I think I - no, that's not how you say it -" Ash stuttered. "I... " he sighed.

' _Why is this so hard?'_ he thought.

"Can you give me a minute?"

Confusion flashed over Eiji's face but it went away as soon as it appeared. He nodded his head at Ash and smiled gently.

 _'I love you, I love you, I love you,'_  chanted Ash in his head. _'Why can't I say it without making an idiot of myself?'_

Feeling Eiji's eyes on him, he felt compelled to say _something_. "I.... I read your letter" he said lamely.

_'What?'_

He mentally slapped himself as Eiji blinked in confusion.

_'You read his letter!? REALLY?'_

"Um... okay?" Eiji said, obviously not understanding why Ash was so nervous to say _that_.

"No, wait, you don't understand, I really, really read it."

This was going nowhere. Eiji looked dumbfounded and Ash wanted the earth to swallow him.

"I understood that but what- " Eiji started but was taken off guard by Ash putting his hand over his, making his touch light and gentle. "Eh?" Ash's fingers curled slightly so he was almost holding Eiji's hand.

Ash kept his mouth shut, trying to find his voice. He didn't remember being this nervous - ever.

As if sensing his nervousness, Eiji gave Ash's hand a light squeeze, for reassurance. He didn't say anything, probably realizing that Ash was struggling to get something off his chest.

Several minutes passed in silence with the two of them just looking at each other. Ash took a deep breath and bowed his head down before he spoke again.

"I like you, Eiji." As soon as those words left his mouth he dropped his gaze down to where his hand was resting in Eiji's, wanting to die of embarrassment for the upteenth time that day. "I like you a lot."

He didn't dare look up. He was afraid of what he'd see written on Eiji's face. He slowly started removing his hand from Eiji's, thinking that he blew it and cussing at his own stupidity when pain exploded in his cheek.

He jerked his head up involuntarily and found a pouting Eiji pinching his cheek with the hand that Ash wasn't holding.

"OUCH, WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" Ash yelled, rubbing his cheek. He was pretty sure that was gonna leave a bruise. "Ow..."

Eiji reached for Ash's pillow. "Stupid!" Eiji exclaimed.

_Whack!_

The pillow collided with Ash's face. "You!"

_Whack!_

"Stupid! Idiot!"

_Whack!_

After the last _whack_  Eiji let the pillow slide down Ash's face almost comedically, leaving Ash dumbstruck, his hair in disarray, his cheeks flushed.

"You say you read my letter but you didn't understand _anything_!" Eiji spread his arms wide through the air, gesturing at how broad of a word _anything_  was. "People call you a genius, but I'm not seeing a genius!"

Ash blinked. He was pretty sure Eiji had just called him stupid again, but his mind was working painfully slow and he had trouble processing.... well, everything.

Eiji had that effect on him.

"Wha - Eiji, I -"

Eiji cupped Ash's cheeks with his hands, causing Ash's heart to skip a beat and his breath to catch in his throat. Eiji made Ash look him straight in the eyes. Butterflies were stirring in his stomach, and all he could think about was Eiji.

_Eiji, Eiji, Eiji._

"I- Eiji, I-" he struggled to get out. Eiji put his index finger over Ash's lips, his touch feather light.

Ash swallowed hard. Eiji removed his finger from his lips and started stroking his cheek with his thumb.

"Aslan Jade Callenreese, you are very clueless." He gave Ash's cheeks a light squeeze with his hands. Eiji beamed at him with those big eyes of his, not letting go of Ash's face. Not that Ash minded - his vision was all Eiji this way.

 _'He's blushing,'_ Ash noticed.

"I love you too."

Ash stared at Eiji wide-eyed.

_I love you too._

Not " _I like you"._

No.

_I love you._

"Eijii - " Ash squeezed through his throat. He felt tears welling in his eyes.

"Hey, shh, it's okay," Eiji said and pulled Ash's face closer. "Don't cry, Ash."

Ash could only nod his head and close his wet eyes. His mind wasn't working. He wasn't expecting things to turn out like this.

He felt Eiji pull him another tiny bit closer - he could feel Eiji's breath on his face now, their noses pressed together. He felt a little awkward at their proximity - he wasn't sure where the rest of his body should go.

Then, another inch closer - and Eiji's lips found his.

For a moment, they stayed like that, lips pressing on lips. Then, Eiji slowly moved his lips over Ash's, giving him pecks more than kisses, small, chaste and so _loving_  Ash could melt. He felt his entire body relax and go slack, letting Eiji explore his face.

He felt how soft Eiji's lips were, how he was gently stroking his cheeks, how his hands were calloused from years of pole vaulting, how _warm_ Eiji was - it was all a little too much and just enough at the same time.

Eiji was kissing his lips for what felt like eternity - not that Ash minded. Eiji was inexperienced, that much was obvious, but it made Ash so inexplicably happy he thought his heart might burst. He found Eiji's clumsy kisses adorable.

Eiji moved over to kiss his nose and his cheeks, pressing gentle kisses all over Ash's face. And Ash let him. He wrapped one arm around Eiji's waist and let the other find a mop of dark hair.

He breathed slowly, in and out, focusing on how warm and fuzzy and _loved_  Eiji's touches and careful kisses made him feel. He didn't want to open his eyes, or to tell Eiji to stop. He knew he could - but for the first time in his life, he didn't _want_  to.

He _wanted_  Eiji's clumsy kisses and he _wanted_  Eiji to cup his face and he _wanted_ to get so lost in that moment no one would ever find him again.

He found hinself smiling when Eiji's lips met his once again. Judging by how hot his cheeks felt, Ash was sure his entire face was red and blotchy - but he couldn't bring himself to care. He hugged Eiji like his life depended on it and finally returned the kiss.

It dawned on him that Eiji was smiling against his lips. He never wanted that precious smile to leave Eiji's face - even though he couldn't see it.

When their lips parted, Ash refused to open his eyes. He wanted his arms to stay tangled akwardly around Eiji, their foreheads leaning against each other, Eiji's hands on his flushed cheeks.

Eiji was the first to pull away. He slowly moved his face away from Ash's and only then did Ash open his eyes. He found himself looking down at a pair of sparkly brown eyes, red cheeks and the most dazzling, beautiful smile he ever laid eyes upon. He couldn't help himself but to smile back and let a tear trickle down his face.

Eiji gently wiped the tear off with his thumb and opened his arms wide in an invitation. Ash shuffled even closer to him, their thighs now touching, and let Eiji envelop him tenderly with his arms. Ash hugged him back and felt his heart soar. He never felt so...

_Protected?_

_Treasured?_

_Loved._

He pressed a small kiss to Eiji's temple. Eiji seemed to melt into the touch, letting his head lean onto Ash's lips completely. Eiji looked comfortable and happy and Ash marvelled at the thought that it was because of _him_.

"Ash?" Eiji said.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I... I love you too, Eiji," said Ash and pulled Eiji closer to his chest.

Eiji _loved_ him.

And Ash would be okay.


	9. To Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it 💕
> 
> Thank you banana fandom, for leaving so many comments and kudos on my work. I sincerely appreciate it, and I'm so, so glad I am a part of a fanbase that's as fantastic as this one. 
> 
> This chapter contains spoilers for Fly Boy, In The Sky, so I reccomend you go read that first if you don't want me to spoil it for you. 
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me through nine chapters ❤💕💖

_7 years later_

_  
_

Soft morning light was slowly seeping into the room, bathing everything in a golden glow. Outside, birds were chirping in greeting to the sun and its warmth.

There was a shuffling from under the covers in a bedroom. Eiji woke up to a mop of golden hair tickling his nose. He slowly opened his eyes, squinting slightly until they got used to the brightness of the room.

Eiji thought he could never wake up to a more beautiful sight.

There was a body resting against his, taking deep breaths, still fast asleep. Blond hair was sticking out of every direction, two vivid green eyes were now closed, eyelids fluttering while their owner slept. His mouth was slightly open and one of his cheeks had wrinkles on it from sleeping on one side for too long.

Eiji smiled.

Ash basked in the gentle light of the morning was more beautiful than anything and anyone Eiji had ever seen.

He put one arm around Ash's side, the other beneath his head and pulled him closer. He didn't worry about waking him up - his boyfriend was a heavy sleeper. He planted a kiss on his forehead and rolled over on his back, carefully pulling Ash on top of him so he could hold him with both arms. He held Ash close and rubbed gentle circles on his back, feeling his breath tickle him. Ash's cheek was smushed on Eiji's chest and Eiji thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen.

Eiji had no idea how he had ever gotten so lucky.

He had Ash - and to him that was more than he ever asked for.

They had a home now. They were renting a tiny house in a small college town - Eiji had finished his education while he was still living in Japan, and Ash was now in his last year, about to graduate. They moved there so Ash would be close to his school.

Ash was doing better.

Eiji had made sure Ash got the help he needed. It was expensive, and they barely managed to afford it, but Eiji didn't miss a single penny he gave for Ash's treatment. It had been difficult in the beginning, but they managed, and Eiji was happy to see his boyfriend carry less and less baggage on his shoilders as days passed by.

It had taken years, and it was a bumpy road, with its ups and downs, and progress and setbacks and fights and tears and love and healing. But it paid off.

Ash was recovering.

His nightmares have become a lot more rare, he learned how to communicate emotions instead of keeping them to himself and he treated Eiji with just as much love and care as Eiji had given him.

He had slowly learned how to live quietly. He no longer carried a gun around. He no longer looked around for possible exit routes and emergency passages. He no longer looked on edge all the time.

Eiji couldn't be more proud. And he made sure to tell Ash that. He told him he was proud of him often and it gave Eiji the priviledge of watching Ash blush, even after 7 years of dating him. Ash stil blushed and got embarrassed around Eiji sometimes and Eiji just * _loved_ * finding new ways to see him all flustered and awkward.

Eiji planted a small peck on the top of Ash's head. Then another. And another.

"Mhmmm," came a muffled sound. Ash seemed to be waking up. Eiji chuckled at the sleepy form lying on his chest and stroked his hair. Ash nudged his head in Eiji's palm, enjoying the light touch, but refusing to open his eyes. Ash was totally disoriented when he woke up, so Eiji always had extra time to look at the most precious person in his life before getting up.

"Morning, sleepyhead," said Eiji and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

"Mrmmm," came a sleepy response. Ash clumsily wrapped his arms around Eiji's torso and pulled himself up a bit, so he could snuggle his head right under Eiji's chin. Ash pressed a small kiss in the soft place where Eiji's chest connected to his shoulder. Eiji secretly loved it when Ash did that.

He gave him a kiss on the nose. Ash scrunched his face in disgust.

"Stinky breath," he murmured, still half asleep.

Eiji chuckled and pulled him in closer.

He was the happiest and luckiest man alive, in his personal opinion. Every day he got to wake up to the love of his life and every day that beautiful person would make him a cup of coffee and kiss him good morning before going off to his lecture. He made a habit of sending Eiji at least one sticker per day on work days, which Eiji thought was the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for him.

They were okay.

They were in love.

And to them it was all that mattered.

 

* * *

 

They were watching a movie when Eiji fell asleep on Ash's lap.

Being immersed in what was happening on the screen, Ash hadn't noticed his boyfriend was dozing off on his legs. He looked down at Eiji's sleeping form and smiled. He tangled his fingers in soft dark hair, and gently carressed Eiji's side, careful not to wake him.

Ash had no idea how he had ever gotten so lucky.

Eiji was the sweetest and most beautiful person in Ash's life and he felt no shame in admitting that. Ash swore he'd do his best to give Eiji what Eiji had given him - and he was hoping he delivered.

He did whatever he could to look after Eiji. He made him coffee in the morning and made him dinner when he came home from work. Once a month, he'd go flower shopping and buy Eiji a big bouquet of flowers from a florist, hoping he'd see a brilliant smile light up his face. He forced Eiji to take breaks when he was overworking himself to reach a deadline. For every Valentine's day they spent together, he made him chocolates instead of buying them.

Ash had turned into a big sap and it was all Eiji's fault.

He thought he was the luckiest man alive.

Eiji had helped him so much and he thought he could never repay him. Not that Eiji ever asked for anything in return. Ash loved that unselfishness, and his care for others and his gentleness and understanding nature.

Ash loved everything about him.

When he found out Eiji had depression, he cursed himself for not noticing it sooner. It dawned on Ash that Eiji had pushed aside all of his emotions and all of his baggage to take care of him, all while silently suffering and bottling up his own feelings.

When he finally opened up about it and told Ash about his family situation, Ash couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't believe gentle, kind Eiji had no friends in Japan. He couldn't believe Eiji had been afraid of being called 'four eyes' by his classmates and refused to wear glasses he needes because of that. He couldn't believe he didn't get along with his mother and he couldn't believe his ears when Eiji told him how he felt his life was over when he had injured his ankle and couldn't vault anymore.

He couldn't believe it because Eiji had always hid that from him. One year into their relationship and he still never talked about himself. It was always about Ash and making sure Ash was alright.

Ash felt insanely guilty, regardless of how many times he tried convincing himself that he really couldn't have known.

He wanted to protect Eiji, from both the world and from his own demons, just like Eiji protected him. Eiji had found him a good therapist - and Ash insisted Eiji went with him.

So he did.

And Eiji was better.

Eiji no longer seemed to have troubles getting out of bed. He was off medication now, and he no longer hid himself from Ash - he let Ash see his ugly side, just like Eiji has seen Ash's, many, many times.

They both worked on talking about how they felt. It had taken a long time but they finally got there.

Ash slowly lowered his head down where Eiji was lying in his lap, curled up like a purring kitten. He pressed a soft kiss on Eiji's temple. 7 years in a relationship and Eiji _still_ had that adorable baby face and big eyes.

Eiji's eyelids fluttered open and he looked at Ash innocently. Ash smiled again.

"Hey," he whispered and pecked Eiji's lips. "Did you have a good sleep?"

"Hm, I don't know," teased Eiji.

"Oh? Does Mr. Okumura want a special treatment?"

"He does," said Eiji smugly and closed his eyes. Ash hugged Eiji around the waist and dragged him onto his lap. He started kissing his cheeks and gently rubbing his back and Eiji just seemed to melt into Ash.

His lips were so soft and gentle, his eyes closed as he let Ash pepper his face with tender kisses. He was so cute with his eyes closed and his cheeks turning pink. Ash wanted to snuggle him forever.

They were better.

They were in love.

And to them, it's all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside and comments make me astral project straight to heaven (even if you give me a keyboard smash).


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